my grandmother is dying

apologize for the boring, over-generalized word choice in the title. we are all dying anyway. if you're breathing now it means you're also dying. the only difference between life and death is you can be dying when you're alive but you can't be living when you're dead. 

my grandmother is around 85 year old. she has surpassed >10 years average life expectancy of indonesian female. and i can testify the past 10 weren't much of pleasant years, especially the past 3 years. i know it because i live rent-free in her house. 

in the past 2 weeks, she has been ill but for no obvious reason other than old age. her face is as pale as a white wall. kinda look like there's no more red blood cell under her skin. her breath is short. eating is torture. the food ended up either as vomit or shit on the bed (cause going to the bathroom is no longer possible). then she said she was visited by her dead son.

while watching her dying (she's not dead yet at the time i'm  writing this) it become more obvious to me that dying young is a good idea. living longer is not a privilege, even if you're healthy at 100 years old. eventually you'll become so old and ugly and all your friends are dead, and other people can't understand you because you're just not from their generation. you will feel extremely lonely that all you want is death. 

this other day i told my boyfriend that i don't want to be 40 year old because i don't want to be a 40 year old woman, because i just hate 40 year old women. i don't even know why. i just have this unreasonable hate for 40 year old women. whenever i see my mom or my aunt and realized they're over 40, i just feel disgusted. i don't even know why i feel disgusted. i don't feel disgusted by 40 year old men. in fact i once had a crush with a 50 year old man. i really don't understand why i feel disgusted with women above 40.

maybe i just hate women. but i'm also a woman. but it doesn't matter cause i also hate myself. 

then my boyfriend asked "ok how are you going 'not to be 40'?" 

then i said, "by dying at 39" 

but then i realized that unlike me, my boyfriend is not into dying at all. he wants to have a daughter because he thinks we will live until we're old, and she will take care of us. i wonder what's going to happen to him and our currently-imaginary daughter if i die at 39.