just another blog entry.

before i write this blog i ate an apple. while i was eating an apple i realised i got exhausted from eating an apple. like chewing is exhausting. but also other things. i feel like everything in life is exhausting. 

but then 5 minutes later i realised that's probably because i haven't taken the antidepressant. 

to be honest i registered for CPNS to become a judge, but then i realised "what kind of judge has social anxiety and takes antidepressant" so i just dropped it and continue staring at the ceiling doing nothing with my life. another reason i dropped it is because i'm now 80% convinced i'll move to Czech Republic to live a happy life with a man i love eventhough we've never met. so i'm supposed to learn Czech but halfway i realised i couldn't remember a single word, and that's probably because i was so exhausted and foggy all the time.

so the real reason i bought antidepressant was to learn Czech. 

and now i have the antidepressant but i couldn't really focus learning Czech because i get distracted with other things.

but it's okay i'm not quitting learning Czech, nor i'm quitting with life and my desire to become a real writer, i'm just exhausted and unfocused. i'm saying this cause Keith said "it's okay if it takes 10 years to get where/who you want to be. if you fail, you can try again, and try again, and try again." 

anyway Keith is Abi Gibson's dad. Keith is from Australia. he moved to Malaysia and had a kid with a stripper from the Philippines. then Abi also moved to Malaysia with her dad because she tried to Hannah Baker herself too many times, so Keith told her to move with him. 

(if you're interested in knowing the story of Keith, Abi, and the stripper baby, you can watch it here)

i spend at least 1 hour a day listening to abi gibson video because that's the only thing that doesn't make me feel bad for being depressed. like she's the only person who says it's okay if i'm depressed and not have a career for now. 

the other day my aunt technically said i'm crazy so i should take medicine so i don't disturb the family and society. i was like "ok thanks." 

it's amazing how people think they're sane, so they point fingers to other people as being 'crazy' when in fact craziness is just a spectrum. most people are crazy. the only difference between me and my aunt is just im diagnosed crazy and she's undiagnosed crazy.

also anyway i bought the antidepressant from Tokopedia without prescription. apparently such thing is possible. i also found out that antidepressant solved my exhaustion problem.

it just makes life a lot easier.