flowers bloom better in cemeteries.

my small cousins (age 6-10) wanted to see grandpa's grave, so i took them there 2 days ago. i told them grandpa died from lung and heart disease because he smoked cigarettes and often ate Indomie. then i told them, "if you do that you're gonna die painfully too". i also told them to recite al-fatihah because their mothers told me to told them that. i myself am a pessimistic apostate who doesn't really believe in siksa kubur or afterlife, but their mothers wanted them to believe, and i didn't want to get into trouble, so i just told them to al-fatihah and pray. 

it feels super weird telling people to pray when you don't even pray. 

also i probably shouldn't say this, but i wish my grandmother die. not because i hate her or anything, but because she's around 85 years old, technically immobile (can't walk or do stuff), and depends on oxygen tank. she lives past the average life expectancy age. i think at that point, rather than suffering from 'old age', death is 100% better. 

but somehow she survived the last hospitalization and getting better. at this point, i don't even know what's 'better' anymore. medically she's better because she can eat and doesn't hallucinate anymore, but in my opinion, it would be better if she die. again, not because i hate her, but because she's unnecessarily suffering from 'old age'.