after some time it has become more and more obvious to me, that the best way to live is probably to set up a house in a forest and give as little shit as possible to the pursue of wealth and career. at this point i'm almost convinced to become a farmer/writer and a nature observer.
when you live with many people and many strangers they expect you to behave in certain way (e.g. friendly, greet them, talk to them). but when you talk to them, they respond weirdly. it is as if i was destined to always be a weird person: not talking is weird, talking is also weird. it's not my fault that i'm a socially clueless person. i also don't know how i became a socially clueless person. i'm just a really, really hard core introvert with social anxiety trying to fit in the crowd but the crowd doesn't seem to appreciate my presence. so if i flee, that shouldn't be a problem.
the only problem is i still can't 'give as little shit as possible to the pursue of wealth and career'. well career, i don't care that much anymore, but the way i'm living now, money means survival.
yesterday was the first time ever in 3 years (i believe), that i asked money to my mother for 'survival' (survival meaning: food, gas/transport, clothes). i almost never asked money to my mother. so far as i remembered, during college i only asked money for UKT, or when i really don't have money to buy something important then i asked for money (which doesn't happen often). i take it as a pride when i can earn money and manage it myself.
then recently i realised, although i work 6 days a week for 9 hours, i can only earn gaji UMK. at first it was fine because i was still tracking my income and outcome as cautious as i used to. then my boyfriend told me to just 'live' and 'enjoy it' and 'don't worry about money', so i can stop being sad/frustrated, so i can be happy. so i stopped tracking my personal finance, and i just normally buy food like normal people would (e.g. sometimes i buy nasi goreng or snack, then i bought 2 pieces of clothing, basically just buy stuff like normal ppl would buy).
what surprised me then was: my bank account--in which my minimum wage was inserted into--was left with only Rp 190.000. i was like: what the actual fck.
suddenly i realised why people are so poor and why people always ngutang to other people. many people are working in 'my class' of work, so they earn more or less the same amount of money as i do. and they have 2 options: (1) live very modest, or (2) lose all your salary and have no saving.
second realisation was: i'm sure as hell i'm going to quit this job by august. i'm not being ungrateful. i'm just being underpaid and unappreciated. so it's okay to quit the job.
it's actually very heart-breaking to realise that there are people working so many hours for so many workdays. and suddenly i realised now why the scientists/great people are mostly from middle-rich families because they didn't have to bother with earning money for survival. that doesn't mean poor people can't be great people/do/make important stuff tho, it's just that it's probably like 700x harder for poor people to do so.
because first of all they have to deal with their anxiety that they get from being poor. actually i think, that's the hardest part because here in where i live, social class really matter. maybe in other places where money doesn't always speak, it's way easier.
after some time i realise it's not rich people that i hate, it's the disparity and injustice for so many people who work hard but they will never get to the 'minimum point' living standard. meanwhile, for some people, all they have to do is just, literally nothing. good life comes granted.
that's kinda unfair imo.
somehow for 1 second communism seems appealing. but communism is just so confusing. it's probably good as an idea, but in practice it's kinda impossible.
our economy built from 'freedom' is only good when you can minimise disparity and have compassion for those who are in the bottom of the food chain. and compassion not as in 'sedekah ke orang2 kurang mampu', compassion as in 'govt should grant social security for everyone'.
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also i'm going back to tracing my personal finance. sorry, boyfriend, this time your advice didn't work
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