this thought i had at midnight.

you know sometimes, in the middle of the night, a reminiscence of past experience suddenly appears in your mind, this one comes to my mind quite frequently: 

when i was studying in the university, there was a visiting professor from the Netherlands, and he spent at least 40% of his lecture time talking about 'everything wrong with Indonesian legal system' and i was just sitting there like a dumb potato, thinking how complex and eye-opening his lecture was, but also at the same time wondering, "why is an old semi-bald dutch guy telling me what's wrong with my country legal system"

and then at the end of the lecture i asked him "how do we fix these problems and how long do you think it would take?" then he paused, then he answered, "30 years of good lawyering. that will be your generation's responsibility."

but then 1,5 years later i was with a lawyer (one of the best and morally-good ones, they said), for an apprentice, but then the lawyer said, "if the client wants something, and that something can only be obtained through 'the back door', then you should go to 'the back door'". he told me it's okay to (even i might have to) bribe public officials for the interest of our client. but then of course he smeared onto my face, some heroic pro bono stories, and his plan to set up an LBH (free legal aid foundation). but then i soon found out he has an affiliation to a political party; the one with the bull face in it, very powerful-- and a pretty corrupt one. 

god knows men also prostitute their morale, society, and nation for money and power. most women only prostitute their own vagina--for minimum living expenses.

so i left. then i found a dumb job in a pesticide company. i make pesticide posters now. wow. my lecturer must be very proud of me. you know my friends are either pursuing master degree, landed a cool internship in cool law firm, or get a really cool job somewhere, and i'm just here, sitting in silence.

for months. almost a year now. sitting alone in silence.

i used to envy my rich friends, now i envy my tomato plants. i want to be as dumb as a tomato, i want to be some backyard dirt, a mute stone by the river. after all nobody understand my silence better than those mute objects. 

i can scream for 100 years just here, gibberish notes of nonsense on a mute flashy flat screen, never willing to be read, never willing to be heard. i hope someday when i die from heart attack or cancer or stroke at 75 year old, someone will realize these diaries aren't even diaries. they're 75 year-long premeditated suicide note on 'everything wrong about everything and why the fck am i even here'.

nonetheless, i wish i had asked the professor dutchman, "okay, but how am i supposed to fight Thanos with a wood stick? 30 years? can't even last 1 month, can i?"