My Greatest Regret in Life (Until Now).

If I tell you that there was a freshman 15 years old girl who excelled at many subjects, read a lot, speaks English (as foreign language) more fluent than most students without ever taking a course or intensive learning, wrote a book when she was 10, won three different competitions in the same month in her middle school senior year, and was on top 5 rank in middle school without even studying, suddenly made a bold decision: I am going to enter the language major in the high school.

And you know exactly at the back of your mind, that language major classes in the high school are basically a place for people like this:

or this:

or maybe this:

or even this creepy:

kind of people.

What did she do?

What did she really do?

What was on her mind?

Was she trying to ruin her future?

Definitely not. There is no way a person like her would want to spend the rest of her life working in Malaysia as a maid of an abusive old man, or hanging her financial need to her poor almost-fired husband who never really loved her. 

There is no way on earth that kind of thingking ever crossed her mind. 

None. Not even once. 

Then why?

Eversince she entered that place, that high school, she knew her life was going to change. The question is: whether it's change its own direction, or being changed. 

So she decided that she was going to be a writer. 

But only a few days after she entered her major-based class, she soon realized that she just made a huge mistake. It became worse after she did not make it on a national novel competition, although she already at the top 21. 

But she couldn't make it, that's the point.

The thing is: not everyone can be J.K. Rowling or Virginia Woolf or Jane Austen. That's why they're special, because only a very few people can be like them. 

And she is clearly not one of those very few people. 

She is actually me. 

An this is my story. 

I won't lie. I'm no longer love writing. It makes me feel like an empty shell. 

It makes me feel like I'm alone in this dark world.

I just want to escape this horror place made of bad decision and constant regret. 

Because although I did achieve all those shits in my middle school era, I knew they're not enough. They're just not enough to prove my excellence. They're not enough to prove my existence to the universe. 

I don't want to be a writer.