i'm so sorry i did something very stupid.

i just ingested 1 box of antidepressant. 

i don't exactly know why i did it, but i know i was mad. but mad for what, i don't know exactly. 

i didn't mean to die. i wasn't trying to kill myself i was just mad, but if i let out my anger people would just think i'm crazy (i might be am but since my aunt has already humiliated me for being crazy previously, i didn't want her to have more 'material' to call me out).

i'm dissatisfied with current living condition. my boyfriend is busy playing table tennis and our calls have been frequently cut off due to interrupting incoming calls. my grandmother yelled because i refused to turn on the middle room lamp because it is too bright for me. my mother dismissing question like i didn't matter. i wanted to end my grandmother's life and burn her house. i wanted to smash my mother's head with a table. but i also didnt want to hurt them. 

i don't know why i'm so angry. i'm not usually this angry. i'm stupid but i'm not usually this stupid.

if i happen to get heart attack and die because of this stupid action i just want to say that i love my boyfriend although i've never met him, but he made me happy and made my life better. i don't know if it makes sense or not to love someone you've never met, but for the first time after a really, really long time, i don't want to die anymore.

i want to spend time with him doing life, from waking up to having breakfast and getting ready and going to work and coming home from work and having dinner and talking and sleeping, and spending weekends and holiday together. i just want to be alive and do things together.