Blah. Call it whatever you want.

FYI, humans can not stay inside their houses for a really long time, except they have anti-social disorder. Last holiday I stayed inside my house for 1 week without stepping outside the main door, not even once. And the rest of the holiday, I still mostly stayed inside my house, but I get
outside several times just to buy foods, whatsoever.

I'm in a 3 days off from school because the seniors are having Try Out, and they're using 11th graders' classrooms. I did get out yesterday, bicycling a little. And I did get out today, sweeping my front yard. But somehow, I just don't feel enough.

I think I missed something. Something that can recover my 'stay inside the house' habit.

I kept thinking what I should do, but I just can't figure it out.

I feel alone.

And wasted.

And useless.

And numb;

I forgot ways to be happy. Things that used to make me happy, suddenly they're no longer making me happy.

Sometimes I read online articles, trying to diagnose myself if I have some kind of  'hidden' depression, and I think I do. But I'm unsure that somebody would ever understand it, because people who know me, they would say it's my nature to stay solitary, quiet, and just do nothing.

Inside I'm screaming. I can't be an extrovert, I don't even know how to start conversations, I don't have true friends except one or two who have found another true friends, and I left alone.

I'm proud to be an introvert. People would say that I'm a peaceful, deep-thinker person, but I know, behind all that, they call me 'the big ego'. They'd misunderstood every word I say, like we speak i different languages.

I just don't understand why nobody understand me.

Not my mother. Not my sisters. Not my classmates. Not even my best friend, eventhough I really like her but she just doesn't get me. And the worst: my teachers. They have some kind of stereotype, saying, "Oh, you must be that kind of lonesome, excluded, self-centered, studying-all-the-time teenage girl who doesn't know how to be a teenager. Go make some friends, you'll be happy."

It pissed me off.

I need a friend. A friend with similar personality, who can fully understand me, so that I wont look like a 70 years old monk hiding behind a teenage girl face, making house into cave.

Please just.... save me.