I am not Beyonce.

Since the day I finished the final semester 1 test, I got home and didn't go back to school except three days: 1. returning textbooks to the library, 2. creating class movie, and 3. doing my obligation as class representative in the school blogging competition.

What I've done during those days can clearly describe what I look like: wake up, praying, laptop, breakfast, laptop, praying, lunch, laptop, bathing, praying, laptop, praying, laptop, praying, sleeping. I only take a bath once in a day because I'm so lazy and the weather is just kind of colder in rainy season. I spend 12 hours in front of my laptop, doing random things such as Youtube and Facebook. I gave up my writing activity because I don't have a passion anymore. I can't write. Everytime I start to write a story, my figers felt so stiff and I have to struggling because there's a battle inside my head, floating between what words I should type and why should I push myself to keep writing.

I got a bright idea, that I could probably start an online business, so I can earn my own money and make saving for my future. But when I tell that to my mom she was just quiet and say things like "You better continue writing" and I everytime I hear she says anything regarding my writing activity I can't help but saying "I'm not gonna do that" while my chest burned into stone, screaming FUCK YOU! I'M ALMOST 17 AND YOU DON'T EVEN LET ME MAKE MY OWN LIFE DECISION!

That's because she thinks I want to be a great writer. Well, I wanted to be a great writer, but that dream is just like a flashback. The chance I can earn enough money if I write book is only 10%, and the chance I'll be a great-famous-whatnot writer is even less than that, approximately 0,05%. You know why?

Because this is a real world. My life is not a movie where I am the main character, turning from zero point to a goddess novelist.

Because this is a real world. Not everybody can be Beyonce. If everybody can be Beyonce, then Beyonce is just Beyonce, not Beyonce that we think she is today. The are only a very very tiny amount of people who can be Beyonce or Bill Gates or J.K. Rowling or Tiger Woods.

Hff.

I'm just sick and tired.

I'm sick and tired of all this.

I'm sick and tired of pretending.

I'm sick and tired of having expectations.

I'm sick and tired of failures.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know I gotta get up and do something great, and yes, I'm doing that right now. But just not anything about writing.